Heart Don't Fail Me Now

Heart Don’t Fail Me Now

“Silence has never brought us anything of worth”

Wanting to change the past is an open invitation for depression to sow its insidious seeds. I’m fighting the part of me that leans toward self pity, regret, and blame. My life has taken so many unplanned directions (I know I’m not alone in this.) Life’s ever-changing velocity has got the better of me; and I find myself asking myself “how did I get here?” My life is good, my life is fine. I dub it officially okay! There are so many people struggling in worse situations than myself. I feel I really should not complain!
It’s just that, out of fear and self doubt, I’ve let too many people have too heavy a hand in writing my script. I am blessed with family, friends, and people in my life. I’ve been given a world of abundance and I am truly grateful. I just wish that I’d spent my life being brave, listening to my heart, and fighting for what I love. I’ve become a victim of my own inability to let go. In love I am the person that wanted something so bad (and feared losing it so much) that I let it all explode in my hands. Right now what I’m writing is vague, but I think as I try to commit this whole bizarre, fucked up situation to paper I will probably be able to loosen and really tell the tale. Right now I’m a person with everything (and nothing) to lose.

Love and lust are such confusing emotions! Many of us stumble on our path to personal fulfillment. Lately I've been craving an opportunity to undo many things that I've done in my life. I want a second chance with someone I would (cautiously) call the love of my life. But so many mistakes were made a long the way. I think the dream is ruined and impossible. It's both of our faults. We've both made mistakes that we'll have to live with.

The thing is: I'm sick of feeling hurt about it. Yes, it felt good to hear him tell me he loves me, yes it felt good to explain that when I wasn't talking to him it wasn't because I hated him, it was because he hurt me. It felt good to get all this stuff off my chest that I'd held in for years and years. But where do we go from there? We live five hundred miles apart. I'm in a long term relationship with someone that I'm in love with. Neither of us are doing the things that we're really meant to with our lives. The strange and painful thing is that we probably were meant to be together. We just got in our own way.

The dream is dying. Trust me, this has been a long, drawn-out, painful death. The right side of my brain does not want it to end. No part of me knows how to end it appropriately. But I want to use the sorrow as a catalyst to propel me forward. I've done this before with him, and it was one of the greatest successes of my life. I'm trying to make that happen now, but I feel so weak. It's time to start the "faking it until I'm making it." I'm imploring the universe to smile on me and give strength. I promise to help myself.

I Will Rise

Where is my happily ever after after? I used to be a such a starry-eyed believer, but that was when life was long, back when I was immortal. Now life has had its way with me, leaving me a mili-inch away from cynical. I don't want want to be a jaded human being. Negativity, bitterness, and sorrow are murderers of the soul. But still, it is hard to remain optimistic when your dreams are crashed to the ground. The only sane thing to do when one dream dies is to dream a new dream. But sometimes, the old dream comes back to haunt you.

That's where I'm at right now. I'd like to think at my age that I've gained enough wisdom to not get sucked in to the vortex of a played out drama that began when I was twenty years old. But sometimes if feelings are stored, denied, and unexamined, they live festering in your soul. Feelings ignored can marinate, and grow in depth and intensity. All you need to do is bring them to surface, resuscitate it, let it see the light of day. A feeling denied can have enormous power when it resurfaces.

So here I am, having life-changing emotions that I don't know what do with. Should I run away, change my life, possibly make a huge fucking mistake? I don't think so. It's a little late in life for such a bold and foolish move. But how does a person deny feelings that are so deeply ingrained in their heart? I think that reason takes control of life if a person has reached any level of maturity. My sense of reason has kicked in. I like to think that it has won, but still.....the emotions are so shockingly intense.

I'm glad to have the wisdom to recognize the danger and recklessness of my emotions! Now it's my job as a proactive and progressive human, to take my situation and learn and grow from it. This is easier said than done, but it's a matter of survival. I don't want to just survive; I want to thrive. Just because I've spent the last three months on an emtional rollercoaster, doesn't mean I'm going to let my life spin out of control! I thought I was. The right side of my brain wants to. But I will not.