Where is my happily ever after after? I used to be a such a starry-eyed believer, but that was when life was long, back when I was immortal. Now life has had its way with me, leaving me a mili-inch away from cynical. I don't want want to be a jaded human being. Negativity, bitterness, and sorrow are murderers of the soul. But still, it is hard to remain optimistic when your dreams are crashed to the ground. The only sane thing to do when one dream dies is to dream a new dream. But sometimes, the old dream comes back to haunt you.
That's where I'm at right now. I'd like to think at my age that I've gained enough wisdom to not get sucked in to the vortex of a played out drama that began when I was twenty years old. But sometimes if feelings are stored, denied, and unexamined, they live festering in your soul. Feelings ignored can marinate, and grow in depth and intensity. All you need to do is bring them to surface, resuscitate it, let it see the light of day. A feeling denied can have enormous power when it resurfaces.
So here I am, having life-changing emotions that I don't know what do with. Should I run away, change my life, possibly make a huge fucking mistake? I don't think so. It's a little late in life for such a bold and foolish move. But how does a person deny feelings that are so deeply ingrained in their heart? I think that reason takes control of life if a person has reached any level of maturity. My sense of reason has kicked in. I like to think that it has won, but still.....the emotions are so shockingly intense.
I'm glad to have the wisdom to recognize the danger and recklessness of my emotions! Now it's my job as a proactive and progressive human, to take my situation and learn and grow from it. This is easier said than done, but it's a matter of survival. I don't want to just survive; I want to thrive. Just because I've spent the last three months on an emtional rollercoaster, doesn't mean I'm going to let my life spin out of control! I thought I was. The right side of my brain wants to. But I will not.
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